Passively suicidal

Lately I have been feeling incredibly ‘down.’ Not your average ”What a crappy day” but properly down. While I was in hospital I didn’t keep any food in at all, but since I’ve come out I have been eating a shitton without purging. I don’t know what’s worse, to be honest. Bingeing and purging or just the bingeing. Purging is so bad for you but with the binges I’ve gained so much weight…><

I don’t like my new medication (mirtazapine). It is so sedating I can’t function during the day. I can’t concentrate on any of my uni work. And ending it becomes more and more appealing. I’m not saying I’m actively suicidal.

I’m passively suicidal. And that sucks. Because I don’t want to be suicidal, passive or otherwise.

And then my little brother rang this morning. (Well, little, he’s 22 this year:P). He is about to complete 2 degrees in one go, and told me he’s gonna follow his dream of acting. He’s been acting since he was 10, been in musicals and all sorts of plays, but back when he was 18, he didn’t get in theatre school. Now he’s nearly done with his degrees, he has, without telling anyone, applied again for acting school, auditioned, passed all rounds and has been accepted as one of the 12 (!!!) people who will start acting school this September.

I couldn’t be more proud! He’s following his dream. He’s ridiculously intelligent (you have to be to do two university degrees alongside each other!!) and he’s making something of his life. And at the same time I am envious. I’m 25 next Tuesday and I don’t even know if I am going to be able to complete my degree because dissertation is a disaster.

My life is such a mess at the moment, and I can’t seem to make sense out of any of it.


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