It’s March 13th. I won’t be posting this till I’m back home, as lack of internet, but I wanted to write it anyway. I am in hospital. Have been since last Thursday, and getting rather frustrated. I collapsed at uni Thursday, and got ambulanced in, as I have heart issues. My heart often beats too slow (Bradycardia) and I have an arrhythmia, where the lower part of my heart (ventricles) beat at a different pace than the rest. At first I thought I genuinely have something wrong with me, something I have no influence over.
But who am I kidding!?
Bulimia is terrible, and very dangerous. Because it is not as apparent at first (unless you know what you’re looking for) it often goes unnoticed for a while. In 9 days time, I will be turning 25. 25 years old, a quarter of a century, and it feels like a big birthday. But of those 25 years, 11 have been a struggle with food. Anorexia at first, but I’ve always purged. 11 years of purging is a long time. Long enough to do serious damage. Which is what happened in my case. Purging makes you lose all sorts of important stuff that keeps you going. It causes imbalances in electrolytes. Which can result in heart damage. My constant purging has resulted in me having funny heart rhythms, sometimes it skips beats, and sometimes it goes so slow I collapse.
Not a fun thing. Not to mention the pause it puts on life. Part of me wants to carry on, finish my degree, do a master, live life in the real world. And the other half of me wants to become as sick as possible without dying. Or maybe with dying, I don’t know what I want anymore…