So, had a pretty crappy week. My antidepressants got changed from citalopram to mirtazapine. Benefit is that I now finally sleep OK, as mirtazapine knocks me right out. Downside is that it makes me feel like I am perpetually high, so I can’t concentrate on anything long enough to be productive. I’ve been on them for about a week now, and its slowly getting better now. I try and take them in the early evening, so I can be dopey in the evening, but will be able to function next morning. After all, I am in my final year and have a degree to finish.
Other than that, I am turning 25 this month. I haven’t celebrated my birthday since my 21st, and thought I’d not skip this one. For some reason, 25 feels special. I will be a quarter of a century old. I had planned to go to Oxford for the day with a group of friends from uni, and everyone was really enthousiastic about it, and looking forward to it. And this morning I woke up to everyone in the group chat saying they can’t go because too busy with uni. Which is true, I mean, we’re all in final year, but it’s Easter holidays soon, and I was so looking forward to this trip, and now it’s cancelled. And this week I’ve been massively overeating so I gained weight and basically feel like a worthless piece of shit. With my mates cancelling on me, even though they have valid reasons, the insane bit of me kicks in: ”No one likes you anyway, you don’t deserve to have a nice day out, look at you, lassie-no-mates, why would anyone want to hang out with you, and why are you celebrating your birthday in the first place, you worthless waste of space.”
And then yesterday when I was on the computer the wireless keyboard stopped working, but started again as soon as my boyfriend tried it, so then my brain goes ”See, you can’t even do this right, what a fucking disgrace of a human being you are.” And so forth… I wish I could turn my brain off, but then I wouldn’t be able to study. (Not that I’m doing a lot of that anyway, but hey ho…)
I wish I had something positive to say, but I haven’t. I wish I did. I could do with a positive, a really positive week.