Welcome

to The White Rose. I’m 25 years old, and used to be anorexic in my teenage years. At the present time I suffer from bulimia and am overweight. Here I intend to write about my road to recovery. I hope to establish a normal relationship with food and reach a normal weight in a normal way. More about me can be found here.

Love,
xXx
Rose


Most recent update: 14 January 2017
Bulimia evening

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Bulimia evening

It’s not been a good year so far. This evening is nothing new. I’m quite stressed out, as it is exam season and I have an 8 hour practical next week and even though I have studied hard for it I feel woefully unprepared. Tonight my other half has gone to this photographers meeting in a pub, so I had the house to myself. There’s a cat that keeps coming round the flat, he’s adorable. Quite small, black and white, and noisy haha! I’ve named him Pippin, as he keeps wanting second breakfast:P

He was round again tonight, which was nice, as I was home alone, and am tired because I have spent most of my time lately at uni either studying or in the lab. Eating hasn’t been going great. I am either overeating or restricting. Today I skipped breakfast and had noodles at uni, and then in true bulimic fashion, I spent monies I do not have on food I did not need. When I came home and Mike had gone to the pub I ordered Domino’s. A small pizza, a garlic bread, cookies and (ironically) a diet coke. I ate it all in less than 5 minutes. And 5 minutes after that I purged it all out. And now I’m sat on the sofa, watching a really awful film, with stomach cramps, puke breath despite using mouthwash, a sore throat, slight cuts on my knuckles, feeling like an utter waste of space. At least Pippin likes me, he is currently curled up on the sofa next to me, guarding a teabag.

This time last year I was in the INR, ten kilo’s lighter. I dislike myself so much. I almost wish I was properly ill so I would have a real reason to feel this way…

Love,
xXx
Rose

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2016

Only one day left of this year. I always get a bit pensive around the end of the year. Thinking about what I have and have not achieved these last 12 months and all that. I found my 2016 bucketlist the other day, whilst I was cleaning out the spare room. I have only managed to tick one thing off… Which I initially thought was kind of sad, but the thing I ticked off was graduating with a grade above 65%, and considering everything that happened this past year, I think that is a considerable achievement. I try not to focus on the stuff that I didn’t accomplish. I gained a whopping 10 kilos compared to this time last year… I asked my boyfriend why he loved me the other day and he said that I make it very difficult for him to love me, and that he could not think of any reason why he loved me.

And I immediately relate that to being overweight and depressed. So for 2017 I aim to go hardcore again.

Love,
xXx
Rose

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Autumn!

My master degree is well on it’s way. The exams are now every other Monday, as our group is too big to do one every Monday. I’m having a bit of a relapse, and have had quite the binge period. I’m back at 96.9 kilo’s, which is really frustrating, but at the present time my focus has been on not bingeing. I’ve now not binged for over a week, which is good. My exercise is also going good, I’m cycling lots. My other half has asked me to Paris.. Very romantic, I first thought, until he mentioned that it’s a charity bike ride!! I was quite mad at him for making it sound so romantic, but now I’ve gotten over that I’m actually quite looking forward to it. I’ve started training for it. Apart from cycling to uni I try and do a 50 mile bike ride each week, when I have time. I am struggling a bit to combine my university work with my part time job, but since the Brexit vote, the pound has gone down massively, which means that I get more pounds for my student finance, which comes in euro’s. So I can afford to quit my job. I have handed in my notice a fortnight ago, and this will create more time in the weekend I can spend with my other half, on my studies, and on my cycling.

My graduation ceremony is next Thursday, November 10th. My mother and stepfather are coming over from Holland to watch me graduate. I’m rather nervous, England seems to be more uptight about these things compared to Holland!

Autumn is also here! I love autumn, I live about 150 metres from the sea, so we get proper cold winds! But the changing leaves make the university campus look like it belongs in an episode of Gilmore Girls (Speaking of which, more episodes coming for that at the end of this month!)

I still attend ‘the loony bin’ as I affectionately call it. Staff is great and so helpful. We’re trying to come up with a different way for me to cope with stress, as I always seem to go back to purging and bingeing when I am stressed. Really annoying, as I always perceived myself to be perfectly capable of dealing with stressful situations. And doing a masters degree is naturally quite stressful. I am properly planning everything carefully though, so far so good, I don’t want to do late nighters anymore haha! And so far I am performing well. On my first Human Functional Anatomy exam I achieved 83 per cent! The Hermione in me was disappointed that it wasn’t 90! I know realistically speaking I need to lower my standards. Anything over 70 is a distinction, but I don’t want to do just well, I want do be extraordinary!

Love,
xXx
Rose

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Update

It’s been quite a while since I last posted something on here.

I actually did it, I passed my dissertation, and will graduate with a 2:1! I am so relieved and proud of myself! In the mean time, my Masters started last week, and we have an exam every week, starting the 3rd of October. Rather intense, but I suppose that is normal for Masters.

Love,
xXx
Rose

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Fitting in

The problem with being an overweight bulimic, is that you don’t fit in. When I was anorexic, all us anorexics in the clinic would group together, share stories, relate to one another. And when my weight normalised, and my anorexia switched to bulimia, there were the bulimics, relating to how difficult it is to be understood when you have a normal weight but still struggle with food.
And now I am overweight, and still bulimic, but can’t go anywhere. I have binges and purges and more binges and keep gaining. But no one relates to it anymore. 

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Exam results!

PASSED MY SUMMER EXAMS. MUCH EXCITEMENT! Now just the ruddy dissertation and an August exam and then I am truly done with my degree..

Love,
xXx
Rose

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Recovery

It’s been an interesting few weeks. I realised last week I was not going to finish my dissertation on time so I decided to suspend my studies. When informing the university of this decision, I got told they would not accept it. Instead they gave me another extention till the end of August, so I now do believe I have half a chance to finish my degree. Food wise I seem to finally 100 per cent have come to the decision I want to beat this whole eating disorder shit. My only problem with that is that I am overweight and need to lose weight, and that losing weight is really triggering for me to then go into a restrictive phase. So, baby steps, I’ve decided I need to have a minimum of 700 calories netto each day and a maximum 0f 1500 calories netto, depending on the level of activity of that day.

I also need to stick to a proper meal time structure again: Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner, rather than restricting till dinner and binge in the evening. I’d like to think I know where my weak points lie now, and, more importantly, how to tackle them.

Mike and I have moved around the living room a bit, and put my piano, that was in the spare bedroom, back in the lounge; I’m very happy about this as I play it more now, and I really need it to relax and unwind.

Love,
xXx
Rose

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